Dim the lights. Get a microphone. Call up Michael Buffer! (He can’t be too busy.) It’s time for a fight: Fueled’s first ever Ipsum Battle Royale. For those that haven’t heard of Lorem Ipsum, it’s text web developers use to simulate content when building a website. It’s composed of fake Latin words, starting with “Lorem ipsum”. But recently, a few websites have offered more palatable alternatives to boring old Latin. Let’s count down the nine best.

9. Tuna Ipsum

It might sound fishy (great pun, Jeremy!), but Tuna Ipsum lists many of the fish of the sea instead of the same old Latin. But you know what? I’m not that big of a fish fan. I like but don’t LOVE sushi, and tuna fish has been my natural sworn enemy at many a Jewish lunch. So you’re stuck at number nine, Tuna Ipsum. Sorry, but it’s my column.

8. The Vatican Assassin

Yep, Charlie Sheen has his own Ipsum page, with many of those now-infamous keywords he used as he wore out his welcome with CBS earlier this year. I’m a little bit over the whole Charlie Sheen insulting, though. Even if he was a bit overly-dramatic, it was a gesture of good will for him to come to the Emmys on Sunday, he was a great sport at his roast on Monday, where killed it with his rebuttal at the end. The bloom is a bit off the Charlie Sheen mockery rose for me.

7. Toyota Ipsum

This could be a great Ipsum! Oh, wait, it’s just a crappy looking brand of Toyota car. Oh, well. Instead, how about:

7. Arnold Ipsum

That’s more like it. No further explanation necessary.

6. Vegan Ipsum

This is a great one for those of us out there that are all about eating healthily and saving animals in the process. There’s some great looking veggies in this one. But you know what’s even better than Vegan Ipsum?

5. Bacon Ipsum

Now we’re talkin’! All delicious meat, all the time. Ron Swanson would definitely approve.

(Would you like some bonus Ron Swanson Youtube clips? Of course you would! Is it obvious that I’m excited for Parks and Recreation to return tonight?)

4. Gangsta Ipsum

This one’s fun, even if it’s a little too Snoop-Dogg-in-2003. I have a pressing urge to listen to “Drop it Like it’s Hot”.

3. Beer Ipsum

Combined with the mouth-watering picture at the top of the page, this Ipsum of everyone’s favorite brews is just refreshing. I’m ready for Happy Hour.

We’ve now reached the hollowed grounds of the top 2. These are the best of the best. Get ready for brilliance, Earth.

2. Hipster Ipsum

This Ipsum brings in all of the joys of hipster-living right into your prospective website. This one is chock full of greatness. Sentences like “Mustache irony ethical whatever, fap cosby sweater vegan squid portland lo-fi” make me want to be a better person. But while Hipster Ipsum is loaded with brilliance, only one man could beat it. It’s the same man that saved this Monday-to-Friday plane.

1. Samuel L. Ipsum

This somewhat-NSFW Ipsum is just about as good as it gets. Maybe if it included his (NSFW) beer-making abilities it could be better. But one can only dream.

Wow. Quite a battle. But, as always, Sam Jackson comes out victorious. (Well, maybe not in Deep Blue Sea.) Latin may be a dead language, but finding new Ipsums is very much alive, and the next great Ipsum may just be around the corner.